


The Carmilla Protection Program

by queercarmilla



Category: Carmilla - Fandom
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-02 12:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2811425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queercarmilla/pseuds/queercarmilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>as much as carmilla says she hates them, she can't help but be secretly protective of the dim-wit squad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

\- LaFontaine -

It started at the Zeta’s Christmas party.

Since her and Laura are a thing now and everyone expects them to be seen together 24/7, the two decided to go. And by “ _the two decided to go”,_ of course that meant Laura coaxed Carmilla into going by threatening to withhold kisses and/or inappropriate touching from her if she didn’t agree to attend.

And how could Carmilla say no to that?

Easy: She didn’t.

So here they are, surrounded by god knows how many dancing, sweaty teenagers who act like this is the first time they’ve touched alcohol. _The 1900s were **so** much classier_ , Carmilla thinks to herself as she sips her drink, looking around the scene.

Her eyes land on Laura who’s dancing like a toddler with LaFontaine and Perry. Well, — LaFontaine. Perry is sort of just standing there, awkwardly swaying back and forth with a slight bounce and a giggle here and there as she watches Laura and Lafontaine doing The Lawnmower and Grocery Cart.

God, how did Carmilla ever fall for her?

The vampire takes another sip of her drink as she watches Laura say something to LaFontaine before skipping over to her. The bubbly and clearly tipsy girl sways around Carmilla before tripping over her feet. Luckily, Carmilla is quick to put her drink down on the table behind her and catch her tiny, clumsy girlfriend.

“Alright, Cupcake, time to go,” she says, wrapping her arm around Laura’s waist. She starts to walk away before Laura tugs against her and breaks free of her hold.

“Noooooo, Carmm… We gotta stay, it’s _so_ much fun! And you haven’t even danced yet!” she says, pouting her bottom lip out, hoping that would convince the vampire to stay.

And whatdya know. It does.

Carmilla rolls her eyes and sighs. “Fine, fine, we can stay. Only for a bit longer though. You’re already drunk and I’m not nearly intoxicated enough to stay around these imbeciles for very much longer.”

Laura ignores the last part of her sentence and cheers, giggling as she grabs Carmilla’s hand and pulls her to where she was dancing with LaFontaine and Perry.

When they get there though, Perry is fumbling with her hands and LaF is nowhere to be found.

“Hey…where’d my dance partner go?” Laura asks Perry, to which the girl widens her eyes in slight shock and worry, as she usually does, before waving her hand in dismissal.

“Don’t worry, they just uh, went to go grab a drink. They’ll be back in no time, Laura,” Perry says, smiling very short before her lips form a straight line again.

Carmilla quirks a brow. There’s clearly something wrong.

As if on cue, Perry shuffles over to Carmilla, letting Laura once again get lost in dancing and pulls the vampire a few steps away.

“Oh god, what is it now? Are you going to lecture me about how I got my underage girlfriend drunk and how irresponsible I am?” Carmilla jokes with sarcasm.

Perry just stares at her with an unimpressed but not surprised look. “No. Look, something happened. With LaFontaine,” she says, looking around like she’s worried someone would overhear.

Carmilla’s sarcastic smile fades and she furrows her brows slightly. “What do you mean, _something happened_?” she asked, now worried that leaving Laura alone a few feet away was a bad idea. The memory of when LaFontaine was kidnapped by her mother quickly crept into her mind and the vampire begins to make a move towards her girlfriend before Perry stops her.

“Laura will be fine, don’t worry,” Perry assures.

Carmilla continues to stare a little longer at Laura before she settles on trusting Perry, knowing that if Laura _was_ in danger, the erratic perfectionist wouldn’t feed her lies.

“Okay, so uh, what happened?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

“So. While Laura went to go find you, LaFontaine and I kept dancing, and —“

“You call that dancing? I call that mom in her forties trying to be cool around their kid’s friends,” Carmilla snorts. Again, Perry gives her a stern look. “Sorry, sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Continue.”

“Thank you,” Perry says. “We were approached by some uh, larger gentlemen who were clearly intoxicated and one of them said something very…upsetting to LaFontaine.”

Carmilla waits but Perry doesn’t continue.

“Well are you going to tell me what it is? Just because I’m a vampire doesn’t mean I can read minds,” she says, rolling her eyes.

“Oh! Right, yes, well,” Perry fumbles her hands again. “I’m sure you’re aware of how LaFontaine doesn’t like to be called Susan any longer and has completely… let go of that identity, so to speak.” Carmilla nods. “These intoxicated gentlemen made some very crude remarks about her gender identity — _to her face_ —and LaFontaine got up and left before I could do anything to stop her.” Perry’s face falls as she nears the end of her sentence.

It almost sickens Carmilla how much the neat freak worries about her best friend. Of course she understands though. If anyone were to say _anything_ remotely insulting about Laura, Carmilla wouldn’t hesitate to rip them a new one.

“Ugh, okay. God, this is why I hate teenage boys,” Carmilla says with a sigh, running her hand through her hair. “Okay, um… Did you see where she went?”

Perry shakes her head. “No. It was all so quick and she didn’t tell me where she is going, which is so unlike her, and I’m going to have a very serious conversation with her about this later, but,—” She breathes in. “besides that. We need to find her. Now. I know she acts calmly about the situation but believe me, Carmilla, she’s fragile. I’m worried she’ll do something stupid.”

Carmilla nods her head in understanding. “Okay, got it. Don’t worry, we’ll find her,” she says, giving a promising look to Perry to ensure the girl that she means it. “Just keep an eye on Laura for me, will you? There’s a very likely chance she’ll do something idiotic with that much alcohol in her.” Perry nods and the girls split up.

After years and years of tracking girls down and, put bluntly, stalking them. It takes Carmilla no time to find LaFontaine on the balcony of their dorm room, bottle in hand.

Carmilla sighs and walks over to her slowly. Comforting people has never really been her forte.

“Uh, hey,” she says, not wanting to startle them.

LaFontaine turns around, taking another swing of the alcohol that Carmilla can’t clearly make out. “Oh, hey, vamp,” she mumbles, swallowing a mouthful of the crude liquid. They stumble slightly and Carmilla’s quick to run over to them, catching them before they fall off the balcony.

“Trying to get out like Sarah-Jane?” she asks, quirking a brow as she steadies the clearly upset teen.

LaFontaine frowns. “Dude, too soon,” they say, bringing the bottle up for another drink.

The vampire intercepts it and takes the bottle, setting it on the crappy table beside them. “Alright, that’s enough of that,” she says, wiping her hands together, trying to figure out what to say. “So! Uh, Perry’s pretty worried so we should get back to the party,” she says, turning to lead the way out.

And, of course, LaFontaine stays put.

“I can’t go back down there,” they say, slumping against the railing on the balcony and sliding down.

Carmilla sighs. Why are things never easy for her?

“Hey…” she starts, walking back to them and squatting down. “You don’t have to listen to them, you know? They’re a bunch of idiot ne'er-do-wells that are going absolutely nowhere in life except the local brothel.” LaFontaine chuckles. “Look, people are assholes. Believe me; I’ve had to deal with a lot of them. But, point is, you can’t let all the shit they say bother you. I know it’s hard with, whatever you got going on, but you’re better than they are.” Carmilla’s really hoping her words are working because she doesn’t know how much nice she has left in her before she pukes.

LaFontaine does nothing but slump still. Carmilla sighs.

“Alright. Tried doing it Pixie Mom’s way, clearly not working. So we’re doing things my way. Stand up.” Carmilla stands and watches LaFontaine slowly follow her. “You’re going to tell me who the complete asshole who messed with you is so I can have a nice little _talk_ with them.”

_____________

After fifteen minutes of wandering around the party looking for the asshole who misgendered LaFontaine, — because, of course, they couldn’t remember their name, — they finally run into him.

“Why am I not surprised?” Carmilla asks rhetorically as they step up to Eric, best friend to Will.

Carmilla taps him on the shoulder and he turns around, smirking.

“Hey hottie, wanna dance?” he asks, shimming towards her while doing some weird pelvic thrust and Carmilla has to stop herself from gagging.

“Not if you were the last man on Earth and I had to choose between that, or scooping my eyes out with forks.” She rolls her eyes. “Look, I’m not here to dance, alright? I’m here because you were a complete asshole and jerkoff to my friend here, and you’re going to apologize or I’m going to _make_ you sorry.”

Eric looks to LaFontaine for a moment confused before smiling and laughing. “Oh yeah! I remember you! The girl that dresses like a butch lesbo! Yeah, yeah. You know, just ‘cause you dress like a guy, doesn’t mean you are one. Like, you still got a pussy and shit. You should jus’ dress like a girl, dudes don’t like manly hotties.”

LaFontaine visibly tenses. Carmilla loses her patience.

Eric turns to go back to his friends, but before he can, Carmilla winds up and hits him in the jaw. She wastes no time in kicking his _no-no_ area before finishing him off with a blow to the back of the knees.

“And if you _ever_ insult _any_ of my friends _ever_ again, I won’t go so easy on you next time,” Carmilla says with a snarky tone before she grabs LaFontaine’s hand and leads them away.

They’re a good distance away from the scene of the crime before they stop. Carmilla seriously needs a drink.

She grabs what seems to be an ordinary and not drugged beer and chugs the other thing before turning back to LaFontaine.

“C’mon, we should probably find Laura and Perry. Laura’s wasted and I don’t know how much longer Perry can stand being here before she kicks everyone out to start cleaning up the mess,” Carmilla says, beginning to walk away before she’s stopped by a hand on her wrist.

The vampire turns around and looks at LaFontaine, an eyebrow perked.

“I, uh… I just wanted to say thanks, for what you did. Not everyone would stand up for me like that. I mean, Perr would, but she’s not too scary like you,” LaFontaine says, perking up slightly at her own mention of her best friend. “So I uh, just… Thanks. _Friend_.”

Carmilla makes a fake disgusting face. “Friends? Who the hell said we were friends?” she asks, smirking.

“You did,” LaFontaine says. “You told that guy if he ever messed with one of your _friends_ , you’d kill them. Which I’m pretty sure Perr would kill _you_ over, but still.”

“I didn’t mean it literally,” Carmilla says defensively. “Jeez, can’t a girl threaten someone without being threatened herself?”

The two keep eye contact for a moment before Carmilla sighs.

“Okay, okay, yeah, I said we’re friends. Whatever, it’s not a big deal,” she says nonchalantly. “Now let’s go.”

The two move from through the crowd as they try to find their missing halves. Carmilla secretly smiles to herself though, thinking how ridiculous it is that she actually has a _friend_.


	2. Perry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as much as carmilla says she hates them, she can't help but be secretly protective of the dim-wit squad.

\- Perry -

It happens in their dorm room.

 Carmilla and Laura are sitting on Carmilla’s bed, speaking quietly, trying not to wake the distressed girl sleeping only a few feet away from them. Sure she’s been asleep for a few hours now, but neither one of them wanted to chance talking too loud and waking her up. Not that they didn’t want her to be awake, “ _It’s just better if she rested_ ,” Carmilla had said. Which, of course Laura knew meant, Carmilla didn’t want to have to deal with Perry’s worrying about LaFontaine anymore.

It wasn’t that she didn’t understand the reason for Perry being upset, she did. She’s not her mother, she’s still a person with feelings and as much as she hates to admit it, she does feel sympathetic for the woman. Carmilla imagined Perry felt almost what she herself had felt when Elle was taken from her.

And that was something she never wanted to experience ever again.

“It’s getting late,” Laura says with a yawn, stretching her arms up above her head.

Carmilla chuckles. “I guess it is,” she agrees, a small smirk dancing across her lips. “We should probably get to bed…” she adds, looking up from where she was momentarily distracted by a sliver skin on Laura’s stomach, revealed from when she stretched, to her eyes, which were staring directly into Carmilla’s.

It was clear that Laura wasn’t going to be able to sleep in her bed tonight, not with the snoring beast that was strewn across her mattress. Which left only one option: Carmilla’s bed.

The thought alone somehow made the vampire’s stomach flutter. Just a bit.

The girls continue to stare at each other before Laura suddenly stands up.

“Right so, um, I guess I’ll take the floor, I really don’t want to wake up Perry,” she says to Carmilla, nodding her head before moving to her dresser to grab some pajamas.

“Don’t be ridiculous, cupcake,” Carmilla says, a lopsided smile on her lips. “You take my bed, I’m fine with the floor.”

Laura looks surprised, unsure of what to say for a second. “I — I can’t take your bed, Carm, that’s not fair to you,” she says. In the back of her mind she’s praying that Carmilla will say they can just share the bed and no one will have to sleep on the floor.

“You seem to forget I spent decades in a coffin under the earth,” she says, causing Laura to blush.

“Oh…right,” the blonde says, nodding her head, trying to hide her red cheeks.

Carmilla smirks, thinking how adorable Laura is before she heads off to the bathroom. Once she’s behind closed doors, she doesn’t miss Laura basically screaming, “ _Worst. Crush. Ever._ ”

\-------------

It’s ten minutes later when Carmilla emerges from the bathroom, only to see Laura completely passed out on her bed, hugging the blanket close to her body, her face shoved deep into the pillow. Carmilla smiles. Sure, Laura was annoying as hell and more than half the time they’ve spent together since they met she’s wanted to kill her, but she had to admit, Laura _was_ pretty adorable.

A loud snore breaks through the silence.

Well, _kind of_ adorable.

Carmilla, still dressed in her leather pants and all walks over to the middle of the floor, settling down onto her back. She stares up at the ceiling, a warmness spreading through her chest.

Of course it was completely immature and cheesy as hell, but the little glow-in-the-dark star stickers Laura had plastered all over the ceiling of their room was pretty amazing and relaxing. Of course she wouldn’t actually tell the tiny girl, but it made her heart swell knowing that Laura went through all the trouble of somehow finding a ladder tall enough to reach the ceiling, just make Carmilla happy.

The vampire closes her eyes, breathing in deeply before letting the same breath out slowly. She almost feels herself drifting into sleep before:

Another snore.

Carmilla rolls her eyes. There’s no way she’s going to be able to sleep with Laura snoring like a bear cub.

The girl rises from the floor and cracks her neck to the side. It’s not like she really needs sleep anyways, she can last a few days with minimal rest.

She walks over to the fridge and takes out her _soy milk_. Now that everyone pretty much knew her secret, it wasn’t like Carmilla needed to hide her blood in that stupid container anymore, but it was just convenient.

Carmilla walks over to the window and sits down on the sill. Her lips meet the soy milk container as her eyes trace over the stars in the sky. Her mind is completely focused on the clear night sky and the peacefulness of everything being so still, so much so that she doesn’t even hear Perry behind her until the girl speaks up.

“Carmilla?”

“Ah — shit!”

Carmilla jumps, spilling some of the blood from the container on her pants. She swears under her breath, standing up and moving to the sink to get a cloth to rinse the blood from her clothes, hoping it won’t stain.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you, I just thought, um,” Perry trails off, unsure exactly what to say. She really didn’t mean to scare the girl, she thought she would’ve heard her standing up and walking to her with the vampire hearing, or whatever it was she had. Perry didn’t know the details of the superhuman powers too well. Not like LaFontaine did.

Just the thought of her missing friend causes the girl to frown and shuffle back over to Laura’s bed. She sits down slowly; trying to keep herself from crying again because she knows crying won’t help find them.

As much as she knows that though, it doesn’t stop her vision from blurring over and a few tears escape her eyelids.

Carmilla turns to see Perry sitting and notices the gleam of wetness under her eyes. _Goddamnit_ , she thinks. Consoling people really isn’t her thing.

“Hey, uh… Are you...okay?” she asks slowly, walking towards the bed, her mind trying to decide whether or not she should actually sit down with the girl and talk or just pretend she’s really tired and go to sleep.

Perry shakes her head no.

 _God. Damnit_.

“They’ll come back,” Carmilla says, the uncertainty in her voice clearly showing through.

Perry looks up at the brunette, her eyebrows furrowed. “How do you know for sure?” she asks quietly.

Carmilla pauses. “I don’t,” she settles on. Perry drops her head. “Look, I’m not going to bullshit you, okay? I’m not going to feed you some lies on how LaFontaine is okay and is going to come back in no time, no harm done to them because I don’t know if that’s true. In fact, knowing my mother, it’s probably not.”

Perry chuckles sadly. “Sympathy really isn’t your forte, Carmilla,” she says, bringing a hand up to her eyes, quickly wiping under them.

The vampire rolls her eyes and sits down on the bed next to Perry. “I’m just being honest with you. I’ve told you guys, I have no idea what happens after my mother takes them. Why would I tell you that they’re going to be okay if I don’t know that for sure? That’d be idiotic, and as much as you annoy the _shit_ out of me, that’s too cruel a punishment for all the impromptu lectures I’ve had to endure over the course of us knowing each other,” she says with a slight chuckle, an attempt to cheer Perry up.

It doesn’t work at all.

Carmilla sighs.

“Look, I really have no idea what’s happened to them. But the fact is, LaFontaine is strong and brave. I mean, you’ve seen the things they've done to help us get this far. Going into the hellhole they call a library, finding JP, risking their life. As stupid as they are, and I mean that in the best of ways, they’re a fighter. If anyone can escape from my mother, it’s them.”

Carmilla has no idea if any of what she’s saying is true, but the strength behind her words and her fake persuasion seems to have some effect on the woman sitting next to her.

Perry looks up at Carmilla, tears filling her eyes more than before. The vampire’s just about to mentally kick herself in the ass for making shit worse before there’s suddenly arms being flung around her neck and Perry’s hugging her close.

She’s crying again, her chest heaving with sobs, and Carmilla has no idea what the hell to do except to hug her back awkwardly.

A few moments pass before the girls separate, and Perry’s nodding. “You’re right,” she says, sniffling. “LaFontaine is one of the strongest people I know… I just really hope you’re right, Carmilla. I don’t know what I’d do without them.”

Carmilla nods her head in understanding. She imagines how she’d be reacting if Laura was the one taken instead of LaFontaine and her heart aches. She definitely understands the pain Perry is going through.

“They’ll make it back,” Carmilla says, placing her hand on Perry’s shoulder and squeezing it tight. “I know it.”

Perry nods and forces a smile. She wipes her eyes again before taking a deep breath in. “Okay! I think we should both get some sleep now, it’s very late I assume.”

Carmilla nods and stands up quickly. “Yeah, you’re right. Besides, there’s only so much sitting next to a ginger I can take before I feel my soul starting to get ripped out of my body. And I don’t even have a soul,” she jokes, earning a small chuckle from Perry.

And people say she’s terrible at making people feel better.

The vampire’s just about to take her place on the floor once more before Perry taps her shoulder, causing her to turn and look at the woman with a quirked brow. “I —, um, just… Thank you, Carmilla,” she says, and Carmilla nods.

The two girls take to their respective beds; Perry falls asleep in no time. However Carmilla stays awake, her mind racing. She’s hoping that for Perry’s sake, what she told her is true. That, somehow, LaFontaine will make it out from her mother’s trap and come back. It’s the very least she could hope for. And if they don’t, well…

Carmilla guesses she’ll just have to take matters into her own hands then.


	3. Danny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as much as carmilla says she hates them, she can't help but be secretly protective of the dim-wit squad.

\- Danny -

They’re arguing. Like always.

"If you take this whole thing _one_ step further, I swear I’ll-"

"You’ll what? Tower over my like the Jolly Green Giant you are and threaten to step on me? News flash: I’m a giant fucking cat. So this inhuman like height thing you got going on? That’s not going to stop me from tearing you apart."

"You’re so frustrating."

"And you’re a freaking giant. What’s your point?"

"My point is you need to back. Off."

"Back off? Whatever do you mean, Amazon?"

Danny sighs loudly and runs a hand through her messy hair.

They’ve been yelling at each other for at least twenty minutes now. With a few respected breaks to cool off before they actually murdered each other in between.

It all started when Danny came bursting into Carmilla and Laura’s room - like usually since for some reason, people have just forgotten that you should _knock_ before entering a room. But, barbaric behaviour aside. The seven foot tall giant basically kicked in the door, wooden spoon in hand pointing it threateningly towards the vampire sitting casually on her bed, and shouting for her to “Stand up because they’re going to finish this right now.”

And ever since then, it’s just been very loud and uncooperative communication.

"I _mean_ , you need to stay the hell away from Laura," Danny says, her eyes fierce with determination.

Carmilla hums. “Yeah, not gonna happen, Xenia,” she says coolly, slowly plopping down back onto her unmade bed.

"It’s not a suggestion, it’s a demand," Danny tells her firmly, which earns only a laugh in return.

"Look at you…" Carmilla chuckles, looking up at the ginger giant. "You must have some pretty big balls if you’re threatening a three hundred year old vampire who, as I’ve mentioned twice already, is a giant panther."

"More like a domestic house cat," Danny spits.

Carmilla rolls her eyes. “You really think your pathetic attempts at working me up are really going to work? And if you answer yes to that, I really have to say, you’re a lot dumber than I thought.”

"Will you just shu-"

"Look. Here’s the deal, mutt." Danny nearly growls. "I’m not staying away from Laura. A, because we’re roommates and I’m definitely not requesting a new one just because me being around your sad little crush is upsetting you." Almost a snarl this time. "And B, because it’s just too much fun pissing you off."

Carmilla ends her words with a shit eating smirk, knowing Danny knows this is a useless battle.

However, the tall girl doesn’t back down. Of course.

"You’re not good for her. Laura’s the most innocent, sweet, amazing girl I’ve ever met. And you? You’re a blood sucking monster from the pits of hell," Danny says lowly, walking towards the vampire, wooden spoon ready to strike.

Carmilla sighs and rolls her eyes. “For God’s sake, how many times do I have to say it? I’m from Eastern Europe. Besides, you really think you’re any better for Laura than I am?” she asks, swinging her legs off the bed and staring up at Danny through narrowed eyes.

Danny nods.

Carmilla scoffs.

"You heard her say it yourself. You’re nothing but another dad to her. Someone to look after her and make her feel like she’s a child." Carmilla stands. "As protective and attractive as you may be-" Danny flinches, the tiniest of blushes spreading over her cheeks. "-Laura doesn’t need you."

"And she needs you?" the ginger asks, disregarding the comment Carmilla made about her appearance. She can’t show any weakness right now.

"I never said that," Carmilla responds. "I know being around her puts her in danger. I’m not going around trying ever so desperately to be around Laura like you are." Danny scoffs. "I attempt to keep my distance from her. But it doesn’t work, which isn’t my fault.”

Danny stands still, not saying a word.

“You want to know what makes you and me different?” Carmilla steps closer, not even an inch between the two girls. "Laura actually _wants_ me."

Danny growls under her breath, biting the inside of her cheek in attempt to not drive the wooden spoon still grasped firmly in her hand straight at the vampires chest.

"It’s not even like I asked for it," Carmilla continues, walking around Danny, a smug grin on her face. "Like I said, I’ve tried to keep my distance from her, but she just keeps coming back. She can’t help herself but to constantly be around me. Even after figuring out who I really am – _what_ I really am…" She pauses. "Laura’s addicted to me, not you. The sooner you get that through your thick, giant skull, the better."

Carmilla walks to the little kitchen in the room and grabs the “soy milk”. She doesn’t bother with a glass, drinking the blood straight from the carton.

Only a few feet away, Danny is losing her mind. She can’t help but feel like Carmilla is right. She’s done all she can to win Laura, to get her back. But whatever she does… It doesn’t compare to the monster she has living in her room.

The vampire watches the girl thinking, the inner turmoil in her so obviously seeping out. Carmilla smirks, thinking one more comment wouldn’t hurt, would it?

"Besides," Carmilla says, swishing around the carton. "if I was wrong, then why would Laura ask me to describe in _excruciating_ detail the process and steps of becoming a vampire?"

Danny’s break is almost able to be heard.

The tall girl lunges at the vampire, holding her arm with the “weapon” up to strike down. Carmilla easily steps away from the threat, chuckling.

"You really think you can take me, Amazon?" she asks, sipping on her blood.

"Let’s find out."

Danny strikes again, to which Carmilla grabs her arm and holds it behind her back, stretching it up until the girl lets out a noise of discomfort.

"I find that every time I see you, you act more like an idiot than the last," Carmilla says, shaking her head in pity. "You can’t win against me. I’m a supernatural being, you dimwit. And right now, I’m seconds away from breaking your tiny little arm, along with the rest of your bones."

"You wouldn’t dare," Danny grunts, struggling against Carmilla’s hold.

Carmilla smirks, mocking Danny’s voice, “Let’s find out.”

The vampires just about to snap her arm up before the door burst open. Kirsch steps into the room.

"Hey, Laura, I was thinking that - Whoa… What’s going on here?"

The boy stands still, shocked at the scene before him, although a small grin spreads across his lips.

"I swear to God the next time someone comes through that door without knocking, they’re dead," Carmilla says, her hold on Danny’s arm getting tighter.

"Hey, hey, hey, okay. Whoa, Carm-sexy, chill," Kirsch says, holding his hands up as he walks towards the girls. "I don’t want no trouble. I came in here looking for Laura, but… I’m gonna have to interrupt…whatever’s going on here, since, I mean. Babes shouldn’t fight. But if you must, I got a kiddie pool and some chocolate sauce in my dorm so if you girls wanted to continue this little dispute there…" he trails off, pointing his thumbs through the open door.

Both the girls groan.

"Are you really trying to pick us up right now?" Danny asks through gritted teeth, the pressure on her arm still very evident.

Carmilla rolls her eyes. “And seriously, you think a pathetic excuse for a pick up like that would win us two over? You’re just a tall little boy with the mindset of as horny teenager. I don’t know ‘bout Xenia over here, but I’m not about to waltz myself over to your room so you can work your “magic” on us,” she spits.

"Hey, bro, c’mon. I didn’t mean it like that, I just –"

"And another thing," Danny interrupts. "There’s no way in hell I’d ever put out like that for someone as immature and sexist as you are. Seriously, you’re a pig, _bro_.”

Kirsch shifts uncomfortably, biting his bottom lip. “I was just offering. Two hot chicks like yourselves deserve an equally hot guy as me,” he says, causing Danny and Carmilla to both groan again at what he thinks is an actual apology.

"That’s not a compliment, Kirsch," Danny says angrily. "And you wonder why you can’t actually get any girls."

The vampire nods. “For once, I actually agree with the ginger over here. You’re a disgusting, sexist pig. God help any girl who sees anything in you. Now, can you please get the hell out of here? I’m seriously going to puke if I have to stand here and listen to another idiotic and immature comment come out of that giant hole you call a mouth.” Carmilla says, her eyes piercing like daggers

Kirsch awkwardly stands still before he lets out a frustrated breath and says, “You girls aren’t even that hot anyways,” and bolts out of the room.

The second the door closes, Carmilla lets go of Danny’s arm and groans. She takes the soy milk carton once again and chugs whatever’s left in it.

Danny furrows her brows, confused. “Weren’t we uh…doing something?” Carmilla quirks a brow in her direction. “Not that I want to get back to it! Just didn’t think you’d let me go so easily.”

Carmilla sighs. “Yeah, well. Zeta Asshole pissed me off more than I already am and let’s face it, if I actually kill you it’ll upset the little cupcake, so… You’re off the hook.” The vampire crumples the carton and tosses it in the garbage before heading back to her bed and flopping down on it. “But don’t think this means I’ve given up and you win. Regardless of what you say I’m not going to leave Laura alone. And don’t even _try_ to think that just because we both agree that Kirsch is a sexist asshole we’re some sort of _friends_ now. Because, sorry to burst your giant ginger bubble, but that’s never going to happen.”

Even though Carmilla’s voice is still dripping with anger and she believes every word the girl’s saying, Danny actually laughs. “Yeah well, the same goes for me,” she says. There’s a beat of silence before the girl bounces on her heels before starting walking out of the room. Carmilla’s voice stops her.

“Hey, Amazon?” Carmilla says, waiting for Danny to turn around and look at her. She gives her a smug ass grin. “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” And with that, the brunette picks up the book at the end of her bed and begins reading.

She doesn’t miss out of the corner of her eye how Danny smiles in her direction before leaving the room, shutting the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone who read this little mini-fic! you all should go follow waltzing-in-1698 on tumblr, she's a fabulous person who posts a lot of carmilla and funny things. y'all be missing out if you ain't following her blog~

**Author's Note:**

> thank you again so much for reading! this fic was brought to you by the amazing waltzing-in-1698 and y'all should defs go follow her on tumblr~


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